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Monday, 07 July 2008

  • Completing the perfect handoff. (A 4th of July Observation)

      At first look, this may seem like a "How To" blog on performing a baton handoff in a relay race or maybe even a handoff in a football game. Even though this blog actually has nothing to do with sports, only guys may be able to relate to it. Only the good guys that is. Everyone else, feel free to press the back button.

    Let me start off first by saying that I love babies. Correction: I love cute babies. Now, to the untrained female eye it may seem that I have an extreme aversion to carrying babies. Studies have shown however that this statement has no basis and cannot be proven or justified. I love carrying babies, especially now since I've learned it gives certain girls a "fuzzy" feeling. However, what is absolutely critical in my opinion, is the handoff. Let's break it down by scenario.

    I. When a guy is holding a baby: I will take the baby without hesitance 100% of the time. Again, said baby must be cute. If not, I will make a funny face at said baby and walk away.

    II. When a girl is holding a baby: This is where it gets tricky. (Note: I'm a very analytical person so I think in terms of percentages a lot.) The first thing that comes to mind when a girl asks me if I want to carry a baby… I start to measure and calculate. What is the percentage of likelihood that I will be able to complete the handoff without making incidental contact with the girl's funbags? (Yes, I refer to breasts as funbags because they're fun for the whole family.)

    Case in point.

    Exhibit A:

    dec11babyopt

    Now take a very close look at this picture. For me, this scenario has a 100% failure rate. The baby is practically lodged onto the boob, which means wedging my hand between the two is the only safe way (for the baby's sake) to complete the handoff. Do girls NOT realize that you're giving an open invitation to a guy for hand-to-boob contact? Is there an understanding that incidental contact is necessary? Or do girls think, "Hey you might touch my boob so be careful!" I think girls are almost too nonchalant about it. Maybe I should just go with the flow and welcome the opportunity for boob contact.

    Which reminds me, I'm going to conduct my own study where these roles are reversed. From now on, when I ask a girl to take a baby from me, I will nonchalantly place said baby between my legs and see how she feels about taking the baby. Hey I don't mind the incidental contact. It would kind of be like this:

    tspelling082007_09_cbb

    Anyway, what do you guys and girls feel about this dynamic in baby handoffs?

    Disclaimer: No funbags were touched, either incidentally or purposely, during the research or writing of this blog. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to include real pictures of myself in these situations, but I could not find a girl who would be willing to be photographed with me "incidentally" touching her boob.

    Currently Listening
    Bleed American
    By Jimmy Eat World
    Track - Cautioners
    see related

Tuesday, 01 July 2008

  • A few good men... but (possibly) many more good women.

    As it stands, the current population in the United States is estimated at 305,000,000 people.

    The ratio by gender is 97 men for every 100 women, which makes for a difference of about 1.5%. That might not seem like much but when you apply it to 305,000,000 people, if we were playing musical chairs with men, that makes for about 4.5million women left standing.

    Of course this doesn't take into account polygamists, gays, and lesbians, but I figure it's pretty much a wash between gays and lesbians. And polygamists couldn't possibly make up the gap, unless the Mormons started offering incentives for having more than 20 wives. Even if they did make up the gap, these stats also don't take into account the millions of degenerate males, A-holes, and effeminate males parading around as heteros. Basically, when you put it all together, it doesn't leave too many good men available for the much larger group of good women. This leaves us with a dilemma.

    The old school of thought told women to sit pretty and wait for the right guy to come to them. While the shallow pool of good men to choose from gets smaller everyday, women have to wonder... will the right guy EVER come to me? OK. I understand that for years now, that old school of thought has been disintegrating and women are definitely putting themselves out there. BUT, this still doesn't change the fact that there's much less available for them to choose from. Kind of like going to a Gucci sample sale on the last day (not that I've ever).

    Now I'm not trying to put myself in the good guy category or anything. I'd like to think of myself as straddling the fine line between a good guy and an A-hole… because girls like that kind of thing, right?

    Now, I'd like to know… in your own little universe of singles, do you see this kind of widening gap between good men and good women?

Sunday, 27 February 2005

  • Parking Matters of the Driving Heart

    A friend of mine once said, "Girls are like parking spots, the good ones are hard to find." The good ones are indeed hard to find.

    Sometimes you just get lucky and find a great spot that no one else saw. This is probably the ideal, and it rarely happens, but when it does, it's the greatest feeling in the world, probably comparable to catching a TD pass on 4th and long (or maybe that's just me).

    Then there are times when all the good spots are taken, and you just have to settle for a spot that's like half a mile away from where you need to be. I mean it sucks to have to walk all that way just because you don't want to spend too much time looking or waiting on a better spot, but you just choose that spot because "Hey it doesn't matter if it'll be a long and hard struggle walking all that way, because this spot is available now, I don't have to wait, and I don't have to search. I can have it now." Sometimes you just want things when you want it. And there's nothing wrong with that.

    Then there are times when there are absolutely no spots at all, and you just have to wait, be patient, and stick it out for awhile. Maybe you're even waiting for a particular spot, and the wait is just too long. But if you're patient enough, you'll get that spot that you want, and it'll be great.

    Some parking spots, are just totally unattainable. Like those, Reserved for License Plate DPN 58F, or Handicapped Spots, or even Tow Away Zones. You don't ever really park in those spots, unless you just absolutely have to. Those spots are a really big risk and you can get hurt real bad, with a nice fat ticket.

    Good luck and happy hunting.

Friday, 07 May 2004

  • Weapons of Mans Destruction

    Man has created many devastating weapons which have annihilated hundreds of thousands of people. Many technological advances in the past 100 years have only continued to add to man's destructive power. But God created a weapon so destructive, a weapon so powerful that no man-made weapon could ever compare to... and that weapon is women. How many men have died in wars fought over a woman? And would we still be in the garden of Eden had it not been for Eve? Women are influential, perhaps manipulative. In most situations women can get what they want from men. Fact is, women carry all the cards. Not only are they themselves a weapon, but they consist of many weapons in one. Women have make-up to make themselves look more beautiful than they are and cover up any blemishes. Women have hair products and straighteners to make their hair look great. Women have padded bras to look more voluptuous and curvy. Women have high heels to make them look taller and appear to have longer legs. Women have tight jeans and short skirts to make them look sexy. Most importantly, women carry the key to what men think about the most... that three letter word. Men have no weapons. All we can do is style our hair to look as cool as possible. Men are like Saddam and Iraq, and women are like Bush and the U.S. All we can do is let them take us for all we're worth.

sp33d12ac3r4

  • Visit sp33d12ac3r4's Xanga Site
    • Name: Shaun
    • Birthday: 4/4/1982
    • Member Since: 4/8/2002

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  • Bennigans is closing! We gotta go get our Monte Cristo on while we can!
  • I was gonna ask "Who will write about tonight?" BUT, we all shared unique moments w/ one another. It was a memorable random Tuesday.
  • I just recommended crazykelsocool's blog. Let's all do Xanga Visitation and encourage her to be more active. Admonish her w/ comments!